Sunday, February 26, 2012

listening to voicemails and reading letters my Dad sent me


Today before I put on a gown to watch the Oscars and get dolled up, I'm looking through pictures and reading some letters my Dad sent me throughout the years and listening to the voicemails I was able to preserve, especially the last one he sent me only hours before he passed away and the hopeful sound in his voice. He was quite a conversationalist, and although I only saw him a few times a year when I visited the Syracuse area, we connected weekly by phone and I always knew to set aside a decent amount of time because the conversation would be full of his quotes and thoughts about the purpose of things, his struggles, his advice and I'd sometimes write in my journal certain stories or things he'd share with me. He also had a great voice. I miss his voice a lot and his signature 'Goodbye for now,' at the end of his personalized voicemail recording. The bravest thing I've ever done was receive the call and handle all the details of putting him to rest, and picking up his remains in Syracuse and visiting the site and collecting a few sentimental items that I collected from his car, and carrying the urn back with me on the plane, it was the hardest day of my life, but at the same time I was honored to do it. I've played it over in my mind many times. This year, with all of these feelings that come with losing a parent, a man who was also a friend and someone I was the sounding board to and for, has ached me with the thickest tears but...I'm doing better and I think he's okay too, I believe we all have a soul and it lives, an energy that stays present and that the end isn't the end all. Maybe it's coincidence but I've seen signs and symbols of him so very often this year. I've also discovered the importance of having faith and it's taken me awhile to make my peace with losing him so suddenly and in the way it happened, and I'm not sure it "was his time" but that's the unknown and I believe his soul is gracing the world with kindness and compassion and care for others, animals and nature. I believe he's become a piece of beauty in this world. 26 is a new symbolic number to bet on. :)

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